Wednesday, November 23, 2011

TVT - Ham Day Edition

Thought Vomit Wed-ursday coming atchya. Obviously tomorrow I am going to be busy doing my best imitation of a food network show whilst I cook, bake, mash, deglaze pans (if I was there I would deglaze the shit out of that pan....use some red wine about a quarter cup....if you haven't seen this south park, you are missing out), etc. So blogging is not going to happen. Thus, TVW!

  • First off, it is going to be Ham Day in this house. Turkeys can go eff themselves. It isn't that Turkeys....shouldn't it be Turkies? Who came up with this language? Whatevs (told ya I needed a Webster Award instead).....anyway it isn't that they aren't delicious, because they are, but upon my extensive (read: not at all) investigations I have never seen a turkey at the store that didn't weigh 40,000 lbs. Now I know there are a ton of skinny bitches out there (Oak and Kelly) who can afford to have 39,950 lbs of turkey sitting about in their fridge for weeks at a time, but this chubby girl can not. So instead I decided to go with a small ham....a honey spiral ham....because obvi that is the healthier choice (again read: not at all). Okay it isn't about is about this movie I watched with Andy, "ThanksKilling".....if you haven't seen it (and my guess is 99.99999% of the world has not) please don't, but if you have WTF? Anyway, this horrific movie probably has a lot to do with the fact that I am not a big fan of making Turkey this year because turkeys are evil.....also did I mention ham is delicious?

  • Have you ever contemplated how we name meat? Someone didn't give fowl the same consideration that they gave....what the fuck do you call like pigs and cows?....OMG did I really just write that? yes I sure did and I am not erasing it. Because this is an honest blog and you have to know that I am honestly an idiot sometimes. So what I was meaning to say was that whoever named meats didn't give fowl the same consideration that they gave other ANIMALS (stupid Natalie). Let's take a look at what I am talking about:
    Cow = Beef
    Pig = Ham, Pork, Bacon
    Turkey = Turkey
    Duck = Duck
    Chicken = Chicken
    Alright so technically Bison = Bison ruins my point. But you get where the initial thought came from....or maybe you don't (wouldn't surprise me, this is a crazy train). It is sort of like the Director of the Center for the Consumption of Fowl (could be a real organization) was lazy and didn't want to think up new names for their products....of course maybe they wanted to be honest with their customers about what they were consuming. Freedom of information and what not....okay I have obviously spent too much time on this one.

  • So I am a bad person. I have found myself so not interested in spending time with our dogs. Bogger just wants to eat everything and Coby eats everything that isn't actually edible.....and I feel bad that I go days without actually sitting down and giving them some good attention. Sure I give them pets a few times throughout the day, but I am kind of liking the fact that the baby gate gives us a "dog free" zone. So they spend a considerable amount of time staring at me through the gate and I just know they are sending hateful thoughts my way. I feel guilty mostly because I don't actually feel that bad about it. Perhaps it is mostly due to the fact that Jack is sort of all consuming and when I am not consumed with Jack or having sex everyday (because obvi I follow the calendar), then there is cooking and laundry and randomly deciding to paint the vanity base cabinet in the bathroom. But I think it mostly has to do with the fact that I still miss Lincoln. It would be hard for any dog to live up to Lincoln and I just find myself missing him so much still. I remember telling Andy when we found out about his bone cancer that I wasn't sure if I wanted to even have dogs if we didn't have Lincoln (obviously I was super emotional at the time). But I kind of find that to be true. I mean I like our dogs. But would I care if they weren't there? So like I said, bad person.

  • I won an argument with Andy last weekend and whilst I was prepared to spend the remainder of the day not talking to each other (our usual M.O......what does M.O. stand for?) he actually shocked the shit out of me (not literally thankfully) by providing me with a victory present. Did your eyes just bug out of your head reading that? If not, they should have. But it is true, we finished our argument, proceeded to start the "I am not talking to you ever again" part of the aftermath, and he grabbed his keys and drove away. I harumpt and started replaying the argument in my head, like women do, obviously I felt like I was right....but was he kind of right too?....I started feeling like I was too extreme in my argument and perhaps he was partially right on a few points. When he came back through the door I was ready to hang my head in shame and be like 'you were right about this __' but instead he handed me a root beer and said 'here is your victory present'. me: blink...blink "what?". Him: "you're right and you had valid points, I don't want to fight with you all day, so instead I am giving you a victory present and saying you won that one' blink....blink "what?". Yeah still in shock over that one. Then I drank that victory present keeping my recision speech quiet.

  • We just paid off Andy's motorcycle! What what bitches!!!! That is right, we now officially own it fur realz. Now only $100 billion dollars worth of other debts we have to tackle and we'll be rich bi-otch (The Chappelle Show? anyone? anyone?)....okay it isn't $100 billion, but it feels like it sometimes.

  • Who posted last TVT that they wanted a picture of me in my Dodgeball gear? Because that is ridiculous. We don't have gear. We wear t-shirts, yoga pants (well the guys don't but I do) and tennis shoes. That would be like the most boring picture to post ever. Of course it could double as 'show us a picture of your running gear'. Two with one stone and all that. But besides the fact that that would be silly, I am not ready to post a picture of my entire body on here because just because I have come to terms with how I look, does not mean I am ready to put a picture up and then spend the rest of the week worrying that you guys are secretly like 'are you serious? she is okay with how she looks?'. Which obviously I know you guys would never post....mostly because I would delete your comments, but still. You could be thinking it and posting 'you look great!'.

  • Alright assholes, I should book it. Happy Ham Day to all of you. I hope your hams are delicious and your rolls are plentiful. I am thankful for all of you. You rock. Eat Some!


  1. Love your Ham Day!! We're (almost) the same. With only two people (well, three, but one doesn't have teeth yet), I'm not cooking a whole Turkey. I bought just a breast. We don't like the dark meat anyway. So yeah, just a breast....I'm hoping that will make it easier to carve too! I guess that means we're having Boob Day...

    And yeah, pigs? Why does their meat get three different names? Why can't one name apply to everything? Maybe it's cuz bacon is so effin' good it deserves its own title?!? And you forgot is named after the kind of fish it's just those grass eaters, I guess. They got the shaft if you ask me!

    That's it...Happy Boob Day, Bitch!! :-)

  2. Happy Ham Day! (I like that)

    I also heard (ok, read, whatever) "Merry Thanksgiving" I liked that one too!

    I really enjoyed your thoughts on fowl. I think you could dedicate an entire post to that train of thought. Just sayin.

  3. The only reason I know they sell smaller turkeys is b/c my girlfriend cooked one for 5 of us last night. But just FYI, they do. Crazy shit. I, on the other hand, have never cooked a fowl, and I'm fine with that.

    MO - modus operandi, kind of like "mode of operation"

    I wanted the picture bitch, so post it already!

    I feel the same way about our dog. It's just the way it is. Charlie is for shiz attached, but once Chief is gone, this will be a dog free house I'd say.

    Congrats on paying off the motorcycle - that is a fucking great feeling!

  4. Yea Cosmo gets no attention anymore poor girl. :( enjoy your ham and have an awesome day with your family!

  5. Happy ham day to you too! Once again, your post has me laughing out loud. Our poor dog used to be the baby and now doesn't know what to do with herself besides stare at me like I betrayed her.

  6. Ok seriously, you eat Turkey on Turkey Day, because turkey has tryptophan and there is no sedation quite like a ate-too-much-turkey sedation. Take that Xanax. lol

  7. I was just thinking...are small turkeys babies? That makes me sad.

  8. Sweet Natalie. Would it make you feel better if I posted a picture of me and the hub in our dodge ball gear from this years Cystic Fibrosis fundraiser? It's heinous and I had the hugerest afro you've ever seen in action. Like, seriously. :) Post the damn picture! (my first swear-word on the bloggerwebz should be worth something, right?) Also, while we're on the subject of the fowl word, why would you call something you eat 'fowl'? I mean it does it NO justice. A rose by the name of fowl would never get, crap I just ran out of's dumb is all I can say at this point. But you're sweet and I miss your smell.

  9. Kelly's comment just cracked me up!!!!!! I missed it before I posted. Crazy girl!!!

  10. Literally laughing out loud at your 'what do we name animals for consumption' point because I was JUST having this conversation with Gregg. Well not that he was participating in was pretty one sided. Out of no where I was like "Wouldn't it be gross if we called pork 'pig'? Like, lets eat some pig tonight?" EWW. It changes everything. Poor fowl...

  11. As Jews, we dont do ham. But we did do 4 pies for 7 people and I'm now dying. Mooing. You know, like a cow. Not a beef. (your point was spot on). Xoxi