Friday, December 23, 2011

Mom Guilt

Whoops, I scheduled this to go up on Friday, I guess that didn't happen. So pretend you are reading this last Friday.
Mom guilt is stupid. I hate it. As a logical being I know that I shouldn't give in to the stupid part of my brain that exacts revenge on me through "mom guilt". Jack bashes his head on the floor, Mom guilt rears its ugly head - it's because you put those damn socks on him!
Last Wednesday was Jack's 9 month appointment. The dude has been chillin' on the 50th percentile curve since birth. Sometimes 57%, sometimes 52% but right around average. Yesterday, um not so much and the mom guilt bit me in the ass....the brain know what I mean.

Logically Jack is doing great. He has and continues to hit all his developmental benchmarks. The arrival of teeth is slightly later than some of his peers, but still not unreasonably late. Teeth arrival can happen anywhere from stupid early to well after a year. So again, he seems to be about average and I count myself lucky that I haven't had to live with the fear for a long while now.

He weighed in at 18lbs 8oz and measured 27 1/2". This puts him under the 25th percentile......FUCK! Okay Logical Brain says 'this is no big deal'. Facts: he has been moving around like a crazy pants. The kid is crawling and getting into everything. He is on the move. So it is only natural that he wouldn't be able to get enough food to keep up with the activity; which is what the doctor said. The height thing....well I suppose it is the same case there. But the doctor made a big mistake.

He looked at the number for Jack's height and was like 'hmm this doesn't seem right...let's re-measure to be sure'. Sure enough the nurse was spot on. Now to his credit he said 'well it is okay that his growth tapers off just a little, I am sure it will pick back up'. But "Mom Guilt" was already in full swing.

As you can imagine I pretty much believe it is my fault. It's no shocker that I've been experiencing changes in my milk supply, so obviously Mom Guilt is like - you are starving him! You don't have enough milk for him!

All the way home and for the remainder of the evening I was flipping out. Now Logical Brain tells me that he is still getting plenty of milk. He is drinking off the frozen supply and so even though I am not pumping as much, he is getting enough. I know that I need to relax. I know that it is going to be okay. I know that it isn't my fault.....but it is a epic battle between Logic Brain and "Mom Guilt". And although Logic Brain wins the majority of the time, the battles are pretty hairy.

The good news is this: turns out Jack can actually start getting cow's milk at 10 months according to our doc. I had thought it was 12 months (I will probably look into this a little more, but link me if you have found some studies). He actually brought this up before the whole weight/height discussion and he was like 'go ahead and just give him whatever milk you guys drink. 2% or whatever, he doesn't need whole. If he does fine with it, you can keep him drinking that during the day and nurse him in the morning and at night or whatever you feel like doing'.

Obviously for me this was a huge relief. I no longer have to worry about squeaking through until 12 months with my supply or supplementing with formula. Now, hopefully, we can introduce some cow's milk to help out. Thanks Bessie! You're the best girl.

After the worrisome (in my head anyway) discovery of Jack's lightness and shortness (could just be his dad's gene's rearing their ugly head....great I am going to have a short child...hehehe...Don't tell Andy I just wrote that....I mean he is going to be "average" height) I turned to the doc and said 'with the height and weight thing in mind, should we not try him on whole milk instead?'. He fully agreed and again told me not to worry too much (easy for him to say).

So we have 19 more days (who's counting right? "Mom Guilt" is totally counting) until we can try out some cow's milk. Obviously until then, I am going to be stuffing him with milk and food as much as possible.

I am throwing the sleep training out the window for a bit. We've been working on getting him to sleep through the night and now I am going to go back to letting him nurse whenever and as much as he wants. I know some of you are probably saying "calm down Natalie!". But I think this is the most logical step to take. Mom Guilt definitely shouted at me - it's because you are trying to eliminate his night feedings!!!!! So Logical Brain is going to give her that one just to ease some of her mind. We've got 19 days until we can try out the cow's milk and until then I am going to do my best to sequester this Mom Guilt.


  1. LOL...okay, I know I shouldn't laugh b/c last night I was almost in tears b/c Stella was crying AGAIN and it seemed like she'd already emptied my boobs and was still hungry and that's why she was upset...BUT, I gotta admit, my first thought when I read this post was "of course his growth is slowing - Andy is a short, thin guy - he's just taking after his Dad! :)

    FYI - my adorable little nephew that is 21mo now started off in 95% for height/weight and at 6 months suddenly dropped down to the 25% for both-- and has stayed there. He's just a shorter kid who is constantly on the move. Try not to worry about it!

  2. My little munchkin is in the 25% too on height and weight, she's just a little one. I agree with Josey, try not to worry (easier said than done, I know). He will be right back up there in no time.

  3. The Mom Guilt is what makes you a good mom! It's totally fine! And, if it makes you feel better... S was 50% for weight at birth and stayed there....then at his 4-month appt he'd dropped to 20% and I freaked. At the 6-month check he was right back at 50%. His head circ has ALWAYS been tiny (25%) but it's finally at 50%...and his height is just crazy....75% at birth and 90% now. He's just long and lean and I need to get over my desire for a chubby Gerber baby. He's eating and growing and this.close to crawling (Hubs said he did it this morning, but since I missed it it doesn't count, right?!) so I have to stop worrying that he's stunted just because he's thin.....

  4. I hate those damn percentiles. Make me stress every time.

  5. My little man was in the 95 percentile until he started to move around, then he dropped. Now, at 16 months, he is in the 35% weight-wise. But he eats fine and runs around like crazy. And I started to give him cow's milk at 11 months and while I was a nervous wreck, CK took to it like it was no change at all.

  6. Sorry I'm just commenting on all your posts now. You've been on a roll and I've been a slacker! Anyway, I hope it's all working out for you. I am constantly having mom guilt with Penelope. I blame myself for having preeclampsia and her being small and having to be in the NICU even though they say there's nothing I could have done to prevent it. But I'm still in my head saying "maybe if I drank more water," "maybe if I ate less oreos." guilt, it's a bitch isn't it?