Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Taking Matters Into My Own Hands

This is my 300th post and whilst I would say at least 250 of my posts have been full of B.S., snide and/or inappropriate topics, and meant primarily to just make you laugh your ass off, this one is going to be a tad different. I just read something that ripped my beating heart right out of my soul and stomped it into the ground. I don't want to link you there, mostly because I want to protect some of you. Keep you in the sweet warm embraces that only my chubbiness can provide...because let's face it, being embraced by a chubby person is so much better than being embraced by a boney skinny person. Obviously I can't really write this post without telling you where it came from though. So let me just say a blogger that I follow (not even for baby-related reasons) just experienced a loss and not the typical kind. Their adoption fell through. Let me just leave it at that because it is too hard to really go much further and as I said, you all need momma's protection from this.

I am not particularly close to this blogger, I only check back to her blog now and then to keep tabs on the beautiful photographs, her delicious recipes, and the crafts, I don't comment, for all intents and purposes, she doesn't know that I exist. But when she first talked about trying to adopt, it added an unexpected reason I checked in with her. Today I checked back because she was the first blogger I knew of that was so far in the adoption process and I knew it had to be close to the arrival of their baby. She didn't share many details about the events leading up to the adoption, so the fact that she shared so much about its demise was kind of surprising. Although my heart hurts for her and her husband, I know she has her own support system, her own community to take care of her.

I think the reason it hit me so hard is that it made me instantly think of my people. The ones I am rooting for. The ones I don't ever want to be hurt like that. The ones who I feverishly want to become mothers. And it reminded me. It reminded me of a conversation we had during Blogorado 2011. One I meant to share and didn't.

One evening when we were all sitting around chatting, I asked a question that had been burning into my skull for a while. 'Would you ever consider donating eggs and/or being a surrogate?' This group of women is unique. Our dreams of motherhood brought us together. So I wondered their thoughts on giving that gift to someone else. I was interested by their responses and I think my position surprised a few of them a little as well.

This all started because of E. Beautiful, amazing, wonderful E. From the first few posts I read of hers I knew this woman needed to be a mother. The world needs mothers like E. As time went on and the cards started stacking against her to conceive a baby and her focus shifted to adoption, I held fervently to the idea that her baby would find her. Her baby is out there, i know it. Adoption is beautiful and amazing and I hope for E it happens as quickly and seemlessly as possible. But she started my brain into the idea of giving away babies.....mostly because after the final straw, she found out she is a Fragile X carrier, I instantly offered her one of my eggs. Obviously she was so sweet in her response. Her and her husband might think about it later, but since they were already so far into the adoption process, they were focusing their efforts there for a while.

But the situation got me going, so I talked to Andy about it. What did he think about surrogacy and egg donation? Surprisingly, he wasn't absolutely opposed to the idea of surrogacy, he admitted that I was actually a really awesome pregnant lady. Not very emotional or crazy, just pretty even-keeled. But he did say: 'well I think it would be weird for you to carry and deliver someone else's baby. And it would be hard to explain to our family'. Good points. Although in theory I wouldn't see someone else's embryo as my child, we are still talking about establishing a pretty hefty connection and to then birth it? What would that be like? Would I have the same desires? Would I want to pull the child onto my chest and kiss their head? But it wouldn't be mine to do those things. Knowing me and my quickness to attachment, it would probably end in some hefty depression. So after some more thought I tabled the idea of surrogacy. I am not saying I would never do it. I think if someone really close to me couldn't carry a baby, I might rethink it, but that one would definitely take some time and lots more consideration.

But egg donation is something I would do in an instant. And Andy is totally fine with that. I even phrased it quite honestly 'so it wouldn't bother you if someone had a child with part of my genetic make-up out there?'. 'Nope'. He even pushed the envelop even further and said 'hey we should give away already fertilized eggs because obviously we make ridiculously adorable children'. It warmed my heart that he felt this way. Made me fall a little more in love with him.

Talking to the girls about it was interesting. It was good to hear their perspectives. I am not saying that all of them wouldn't donate eggs, but their view of their eggs seems to be a lot stronger than mine. I guess the only way to really explain it is that I don't really feel like they are my children. The only babies I see as my babies are the ones that Andy and I make together. Even an "Andy and Natalie" combined fertilized egg doesn't really seem like mine. I know it is strange.

Maybe it all revolves around my hippie-core. Sometimes I look at Jack and I don't really see him as mine either (And here's where we get a bit crunchy). It is almost like I have just been given the awesome responsibility for taking care of him and raising him, but it still feels uber-weird when I think about the fact that he is my son.

All this is not to say I don't understand other people's points of view about their eggs. I totally understand that most people (probably less crazy/hippie/wacko) see those little eggs as their babies. They want to keep track of them and take care of them. Be in their life and what not. But me? I am just like 'eh I don't need them all, someone else should have them'.

In fact, my friend Pickles is a biomedical engineer and I have already dispatched him to start working on a reproductive system transplant. After number 2 is born, I would gladly give it all away. I am not saying it works the best. There are definitely better models out there.....shhh don't tell my lady parts otherwise there might not be a numero dos.

Basically this is all to say, I am fully resolved, and have received husband-approval even, to give away babies. Under the direction of my new editor and chief, I have decided to create a part 2 to this blog post. Stay tuned - up next - The Plan.


  1. Have you seen that show (can't remember the name) of the guy who was a sperm donor and has like 75 kids? He is actually meeting some of them in the show. I sure have thought about it and honestly don't know what I would do. What a wonderful gift to give to someone though! Would it be anonymous? I mean, would you know whether someone got pregnant off your eggs or not? I think if I did it, I wouldn't want to know the results. Or maybe I would...something to think about for sure.

  2. I instantly just started to cry when I read this post. I don't know if I have fully or adequately expressed to you how much it meant to H and I to receive that offer from you or to believe that there is someone like you out there who would do something like that for us (or anyone for that matter). H's words when I told him were, "She would do that for us?" In total shock and awe. I was in awe, but not shock. It's just who you are and I'm so so thankful to know you.

    I take your generosity so seriously that I won't even begin to try to be witty or sarcastic here (a rare thing for me as you well know). I'll just say that I instantly fell in love with you that day (yeah, I said it) and I hope you know that there is no getting rid of me now (seriously, just try).

    Please share this with Andy too...after all, he should know how awesome we think you both are. :)

  3. I'm still not sure what I totally think about this. I don't know if I could know I had a biological child out there and NOT be involved in their life somehow...but then I think about people like E, and of course I want her to be a Mom, and if my egg was the way to make that happen... sheesh. Such a tough subject! I'm glad that couples like you and Andy are out there at any rate!!

  4. This is amazingly generous of you. I have also thought about egg donation but have no clue how to go about it.

  5. Your spirit of generosity is amazing. Wow.... E is lucky to have a friend like you. And mothers-to-be out there are lucky too!

  6. As I mentioned on our trip, I would donate eggs in a heartbeat as well. But even more than that, I would be a surrogate and its something I do tend to toy with every now and again. I never thought it would be an option since TTC#1 was ugly but with this most recent fertile revelation in my world, it makes it seem so much more viable. Plus, I don't tend to have that hardcore maternal attachment in utero that others have. So I would donate or rent out my womb (haha, Womb for rent!) for a while if the right situation occured. But who knows, my womb might be too old.

  7. http://www.resolve.org/family-building-options/donor-options/emotional-aspects-and-issues-to-consider-when-deciding-to-pursue-third-party-reproduction.html

    Just read this on Resolve -interesting to think about from the other side of the coin.

  8. This made my day. Seriously.


  9. There are so many emotions that come into play with wanting to get pregnant, not being able to get pregnant, adoption, surrogates, embryos...I'm glad you're rooting for us, whether in vibes or eggs! You have a heart of gold. :-)