Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Chubby Girl's Guide to Sexy

As the Blogorado girls are sure to agree, I used to be a huge slut* and I used to be super into lingerie. It started catching my attention at a very young age. I remember asking my mom when I was like 8 if I could have a garter belt and stockings. She was cool as a cucumber with her response when she told me that was for grown-up women. I can only imagine what was going on in her head when that came out of my mouth. I have no idea how I would field that question if I were in her shoes...perhaps take me to a convent? Maybe throw holy water on me? I am not even catholic, but I think a question like that from my 8 year old might have me on my knees every night.

I started babysitting early on and saving my own money, so it wasn't long until I snuck into Vicky's and bought myself my first garter belt. I was probably 15. Don't worry peeps it wasn't like I wore it at that point. I actually think my initial attraction to corsets, garterbelts and stockings came more from my love of historical dress than of a sexual nature. Little did I know that 1950s undergarmets were anything but sexy.
A living girdle and a torpedo boob bra! So hot!

But there is something about that time period. Sure women were ridiculously surpressed and made to feel that the only attainable dream was to become a housewife and mother, but seriously, we had something going for us back then. Let's just take a quick detour (what? on my blog? that never happens). You tell me what you find more attractive:

This or,


Okay you're right that isn't really fair. Let's try to get on par with what we're talking about.


or this?

Obviously I am still biased in my photo-choosing. Fuck-off it is my blog afterall. My point is, there is something just absolutely romantic about how women used to dress. How put together they used to be. Sure we couldn't breathe and the most excitement we had was when Betty Crocker came out with a new cookbook, but still my imagination was captured. And I wanted a piece of that. Probably if I really put my money where my mouth is and dressed like I was from the 1950s, my tune would change drastically. That would be a fun experiment huh? Anyway getting off track. Back to the story.

So when I got my first real job at age 16, it was on like donkey kong. I was able to spend my money any way I wanted. And now what I wanted included buying corsets. I would say between the age of 16 and 18 I acquired more than a dozen corsets, several garter belts, a box full of stockings, the list could just go on forever. Ah to have money and no real bills. Those were the days.

Andy was probably the luckiest teenage boy in the history of the world. Of course, little did I know, I was setting myself up for failure. I went through an extreme weight drop around 16. In about 6 months I went from a size 18 to a size thanks anorexia... I guess. I am probably one of the only people who started working at a fast food restaurant and then immediately dropped 80lbs....that is probably not true at all, but you see the irony in that. But it was a strange time right? I went from feeling like crap, to feeling sexy for the first time ever. I was dealing with those weird hormonal overloads teenage kids get, I was ready to explore the world of sex....sure that didn't really happen, but that was my intent. In reality, I explored my way to Andy and that is where I stayed. But still. I was a tigeress finally let out of her cage.

Needless to say, when you get skinny by starving yourself....yeah not really sustainable long-term. Grad School was a son-of-a-bitch for my waistline...and well, you all know how I am still battling the chub. And with the onset of the chub, so hath returned my lack of self-confidence and believe me when I tell you that when I am nekid I feel anything but sexy. Long story short - Andy and I have had more than one conversation where he says 'I miss how you used to be'. Sometimes that hurts more than I can say because honestly, I miss how I used to be too.

Fuck you mass media and the poisoning of all women's minds that skinny is the only sexy. Well folks, I am not going to let my chub get the better of me. I am going to redefine sexy for myself. I do think curvy can be sexy. I need to get over this image I have of myself as a size 8 and move past that. I don't think it is attainable to think I could be that small again. A size 12, probably....a size maybe, but the point is not 'well when I get here, I will feel sexy again'. The point is, I need to feel sexy now. I need to recapture some part of that old me. And you know what, it had very little to do with my size. It was all mental. It was all about the confidence I was projecting. What made Andy think I was sexy was the idea that I thought I was sexy. Men, afterall, are just helpless little sheep when it comes to sex. 'huh? she wants to have sex? um okay!'

So it is time to get over myself. Push that box of size medium corsets into the deepest darkest corner of my closet...speaking of which, your opinion? chandelier in my closet - too much?....and find some cute new items that fit and make me feel great. That's right folks, I am on a quest for new lingerie! Stay tuned - this chubby girl is bringing sexy back!

*Actually they made fun of me the entire weekend because apparently, despite how I see myself, as a teenager I was the furthest thing from a slut as you can get....well unless you were a virgin when you got married. In their eyes, I am like one step sluttier than that.


  1. Skank...slut... um, nope. As discussed, marrying your high school sweetheart and doing the dirty with one person in your entire life completely kicks you out of those categories, no matter how much you wish you were in them. LOL

    Way to bring sexy back... I So need to do the same thing here post-baby. There is no sexy-time feeling in this house anymore. :P

  2. Thank you for this awesome post! I think a lot of us feel this way! I too am obsessed with 50's clothing. I've always thought I born in the wrong decade as I have a fascination with the 40's and 50's. I used to be a size 3 in high school and I thought I was FAT. Now, I'm a size HUGE and I will never see a size 3 again Im sure. I plan to work really hard post baby to lose some weight. Nothing outrageous but wnough to make me feel good about myself again. You know it's bad when you can't even zip up boots around your calves, and even plus size (wide width) ones are tight. So depressing. But Im so with ya on wanting to bring sexy back!! I used to feel so much better about myself and so much more confident. And I want that back :) ps- the comment to your mom when you were 8? Hilarious. I probably would have shut myself in a closet and cried for two days if my kid said that. I wouldnt know what to do! Your mom's amazing for being able to spit something out. I probably would have stuttered something out that had nothing to do with what you said " Peanut butter and Jelly is delicious." ha.

  3. That cracks me up that that's what you would spend your money on when you were younger. I need to take some lessons from you b/c I have always felt awkward when it comes to lingerie, and I know JJ would appreciate it. :)

  4. Great post and good for you! You are absolutely right - Sexy is all about attitude and not about size or appearance.

    In fact, I recently went back and looked at my old high school yearbook and was surprised to see how unattractive some of the most popular "hot" guys and girls were. They were just so confident that they fooled everyone in school including me!

    Fortunately for you, you ARE actually beautiful and with a little more confidence you will be super sexy in no time! :)

    Oh, and you were much more adventurous at 16 than I was - I would have thought you were a total skank. ;)

  5. Proof you are not a slut - your first paragraph ended with being on your knees every night and it was NOT a reference to blow jobs. Done.

    And you are sexy and curvy and your body is one hell of a machine so get off your boo-hoo, woe is me ass and buy yourself some sexy lingerie.


  6. Woo! Nice post Natalie. I agree 100%. You bring sexy back girl. The 20 lbs I've put on since 2008 are cheering you on! I think you are gorgeous and shouldn't feel anything less for one minute. Vicky's girls can shove it.