Tuesday, September 13, 2011

How to Feed and Water Your Husband

So my girl BU,......BU- hope it isn't too early to call you my girl? I guess I should have formally asked you *getting down on one knee*....BU - You are kick-ass. I like how much you cuss. May I refer to you as my girl? *wiping away the tears*....eh not waiting for your response. So yeah my girl BU posted about reading a new book to help out her marriage, here. It sounded like a hilarious read, so what did I do? Copy! Because I am a follower. So I requested the book from my liberry and I picked that shit up on Friday. First off, apparently they thought it was okay to send me the wrong book, as long as it was the same author. So instead of getting the Dr. La.ura book about husbands I got the one about marriage. *sigh*. Well should still be hilarious and I am too lazy to send it back and wait for the right one. I figured BU and I could both read this shit educational piece of literary genius and report back/laugh together about it......um I only got through the first few pages before I was like Booorrriiiinggg.

Basically the introduction says that with the feminist movement we, aka women, have shot ourselves in the foot. Apparently by wanting jobs and equal pay we have permanently damaged men and their self-worth or some shit.....Because apparently the only way for men to feel important/worthy/manly is for his wife to be his subordinate. And the only way we can expect them to work hard for their families is for us to stay at home and depend on them, thus giving them a reason to work hard.....um bitch is crazy! I mean I understand how she came to her conclusions, but um DOCTOR Lau.ra? perhaps you aren't practicing what you preach? you think.

Granted I didn't read the entire book. Maybe I should to fully understand what she's getting at. The point she made that I agree with is that a good marriage requires both sides to be able to part with/give up the most important thing to them for the other person. So basically you would make the ultimate sacrafice. I can agree with this, because we've had a few of these.

In the book she uses some shit example about 17 year old Brittany (or some equally giddy name) who called into her radio program and was like 'um my boyfriend has a championship game on the same day as our senior prom! what do I do dr. laura (because I don't have a brain of my own to make decisions and have to call into a radio program!)'. In the end Brittany makes the "ultimate sacrafice" and tells "Brad" that he should play in the game. Meanwhile "Brad" has already bought tickets to the prom....giving up his game for her. Cheesy as shit no? Oh but it get's better. Turns out Brad's championship game gets moved at the last minute, so ALAS, they get to do both, but now they know that they would each give up something important to them for the other...AWwwwww! So sweet. Fucking gag me.

Now let's look at a real life version of this shit example. Four years ago, my marriage was in a dark place. We had just moved back from New York and I hadn't yet realized the damage my graduate program had done. But all of a sudden a switch went off in my head and I WANTED A BABY....like BAD! I thought things were all peachy keen, but when I started talking about the idea of getting pregnant, the truth came out. Andy was not on board. He was angry, neglected, and he felt like I always got what I wanted, whereas he just had to go along with everything. We talked about the big D because the "conversations" got to the point where we realized if he never wanted kids then I needed to move on because I wasn't willing to live with that regret, but I wasn't going to make him have kids and have him resent me for the rest of his life. Bad shit right? But it was a conversation that needed to happen. Because it led to us working our shit out. After we got to that low-point, I realized that I didn't just WANT A BABY....I wanted a baby with him. I wanted HIS baby.

So something amazing came out of my mouth....this was during a non-yelling "conversation".....I told him 'if you really don't want to have kids, then I will give that up'. I know! It shocked me too. But after the yelling and anger all came out, I realized I didn't want a baby more than I wanted to be married to him. And then something amazing came out of his mouth 'no, I don't want you to have any regrets in your life, let's have a kid'. WTF? Did that just happen? A real-life Dr. La.ura example? Yep. It did. So we came to the decision that we would have kids, BUT we would heal our relationship first. So we didn't start "trying" until we were both ready....then what the fuck do ya know, I had trouble getting pregnant. Go figure right?

But you know what? I think that extra time was sorely needed. Because when I did FINALLY get that BFP, Andy was just as excited for it to happen as I was. Now the tables have turned for us. Andy wants 6 kids and I am starting to wonder if maybe we should stop at one. Don't read that the wrong way though peeps. I LOVE my babes! LOVE him. If I could carbon copy him and give him to everyone I totally would because he is the BEST baby a mom could ask for. Happy, snuggly, giggly, smiley, etc.

However, I can also start to see some advantage of having only him. He has become my little partner. I take him everywhere. He comes to work, he goes to the nail salon, the grocery, the liquor store (classy parent), on the airplane, on seven hour tours of downtown while I am showing Nick around, swimming, etc. etc. All the while he is like 'yeah mom! this kicks ass!' Even on Saturday when he basically didn't eat for like 6 hours (hey I tried to feed him after 3 but he wasn't hungry yet) he still didn't get pissed while we were running around shopping.

Two kids = more complicated. Less flexibility, less money for fun, hmm. You see where I am getting this thought?

But I think all that means is that I am coming down from my Baby High. After he was born I was like 'yes! give me 60 more!'. Now I am like 'hey I could wait a few years and just enjoy this right now'. I don't really think we will stop at him, unless, ya know, we can't get pregnant again. I don't want a spoiled kid, but I also don't want him to miss out on a sibling. Siblings are fun. You know, being tied to a chair and hit with a hockey stick, and rocketed off the trampoline. He deserves those things.....although I guess he will be the oldest, so he will be doing those things to his poor little sis/bro.

Let me reign in this circus act. As hard as it is for me to say, Dr. La.ura gave that one good piece of advice. But I don't agree that feminism is at fault for the downfall of marriage/relationships. I don't think the key to a happy marriage is to make your husband's career more important than your own. I don't agree that having a job and wanting equal pay means that a man can't open a door for you. I am someone who will profusely thank a man for holding a door open for me, or asking me to take his seat on the bus, but I am also someone who will open a door for a man, and give up my seat to him. I am all for feminism, but as you might imagine I am not an angry feminist. I am not like 'You fucking a-hole! I don't want your fucking seat. I am a WOMAN!'. Nope usually if I don't want it I will say 'oh thank you so much for offering, that is really nice of you! But you know what? I have been sitting all day and I don't even mind standing. Why don't you keep it?'.

Eh maybe I will read some more. Bitch kind of makes me laugh. And who knows? maybe she'll have some other good points.


  1. I am right there with ya on Dr. Laura being a bit pile of go to hell. You're also right that occasionally she says something that almost makes sense. The problem is that her delivery is so bitter and hard to take that I think some pleople who could benefit from advice don't take it (me for example). I love your baby story. Most great things don'

    t come without work and it sure sounds like you both worked for it (more than just in the infertility sense I mean). You're a kick ass wife and momma. :)

  2. OMG we are practically blood brothers, er sisters. Did you see my post today? I've pretty much come to the same conclusion as you although not quite as funnily. Some good points. Mostly bullshit.

  3. P.S. I meant the Dr. was mostly bullshit, not you. I probably am too though.

  4. P.P.S. I made it to page 37 before I quit reading.

  5. Dude. FINE. I'll read a book on how to be nicer to my husband even though I thought that being the breadwinner AND pushing a baby out of my parts was being nice enough. Siiigh, back to the drawing board!