In honor of the fact that 12 years ago today I got my first period (if you’re good with numbers, yes I was 16 when I started my period...and the reason I remember is because it was my best friend's 16th birthday...we were both late bloomers and felt like outcasts for not having our periods yet and then I went and got mine leaving her behind by herself. Our friendship was never the same (tear)), I thought it only appropriate to write my first vajayjay interview….I have to say I am pretty surprised at how many of you ladies offered up your vajayjays for me to interview…we might have to make this a rotating installment on my blog. The Vaginablogologs *snort* oh I crack myself up. Alright here goes:
Allow me to set the stage. Two super hot moms, sitting in leather wing back chairs…let’s make them red leather because I like red…both wearing suits and stilettos. Her, a fierce Irish blonde bombshell, me, a brunette who will kick your ass for funsies; we’re all business today baby. In the background you see a crackling fire and bookshelves full of intellectual shit like case law and the history of sub-Saharan African politics….all of which we have both read and could recite by heart.
Natalie: Hello ladies and gentlemen, today I have Oak, another new mom with a very different vajayjay experience than my own. Oak, thank you for joining me today. How are you?
Oak: Quite well, thank you. I appreciate that your home is full of leather-bound books and smells of rich mahogany. As an aside, I got my first period on New Year’s Day of 7th grade…at the same time as all of my peers. That makes me cooler than you.
Natalie: That is highly unlikely, but to avoid a fight, let's just say we tie for coolest and move on. Well I am just going to get right into it, when did you first learn that you had a vajayjay?
Oak: I like to refer to my nether regions as my pink parts. And as far as the great discovery goes, well, I’d have to say that its actual existence was never unveiled to me, it was something I always knew I had. But the tricks that my pink parts could perform were like small discoveries along the course of our adjoined lives.
For example, it wasn’t until the 5th grade when I was hanging out with a 6th grader from down the street that I discovered that pink parts could actually make sounds. This mature, omnipotent 6th grader, we’ll call her Emily because that was her name, had all the neighborhood girls gather round while she rocked backwards and then forwards. Whilst making the forward rock, she shot air from her nether regions, introducing me to the sound now popularly referred to as the queef. Although I prefer to call it a “vart”. I was never able to recreate her amazing feat – varting on command - although that is more of a source of pride than shame.
Sadly, I don’t remember my first orgasm either. But I do remember that I REALLY liked horseback riding.
Natalie: Very fascinating! I have never heard of the ability to vart on command. Okay, here’s where the questions get hard. When you found out you were pregnant were you scared that your vajayjay, I apologize, your “pink parts” might never be the same?
Oak: But of course, although I was more concerned about my tits to be honest with you. As far as my parts go, if I were to rank them I would have to say I was most concerned about my tits, next my belly and then finally my pink parts. Not sure why the pink parts took such a low ranking but I would have to assume that its due to the fact that I knew that there would be some highly skills physicians there to put humpty dumpty back together again.
I do believe though that I likely SHOULD have been concerned about my pink parts as genetically speaking, my family tends to have issues in that area. Example, my sisters bladder fell out of her cooter after baby numero tres…I should have been afraid.
Natalie: Oh My! Her bladder fell out? Shocking! But let's get back to you. Now, for those joining us who do not know, you had the exact birth you wanted. However, things took an unexpected turn with the delivery of your placenta. I don’t want to relive those things here, but can you describe the state of your “pink parts” after the birth of your extremely attractive and smart son?
Oak: My pink parts have definitely had a lot of change over the past 12 weeks. And they (along with my boobs and belly) are still not back to “normal”. But maybe part of where I’m at is my new normal, although I hope not.
My pink parts feels like someone could drive a truck through them, like a big gust of wind might come and blow just so, fill my uterus up and turn me into a human kite. I worry about things falling out of me as well. And rightfully so, after my 6 week appointment, I began using tampons for my post-partum bleeding. And then about an hour later, my tampon was hanging out of me. So back to pads I went with my head hung low in shame. I haven’t put much else in my pink parts since then, foregoing one of my favorite past times. The cocaine supply in our region hasn’t been the same since.
Today, eleven weeks after the birth of my aforementioned perfect son, I’m still bleeding and I’m still wearing pads and I’m still thinking that maybe I got my priorities wrong and I should have been more worried about my cooter than my hooters.
I realize that I could, nay SHOULD!, be doing Kegels but I have a rather spiteful feeling towards Kegels. I can’t seem to DO them well, or without much effort. Whenever I try to squeeze the muscles of my vagina in the fashion they tell me to I end up looking like this:
which makes me think that everyone around me can tell that I’m trying to tone my pink parts and that’s just none of their fucking business.
Natalie: I must admit, my face looks like that while doing Kegels as well. Makes you wonder when you see women with this expression if that isn’t what they are doing. So just to recap you say you are still bleeding, can you inform our readers what would you equate the level to?
Oak: Enough to be a nuisance - too much for a panty liner, too little for a pad (that should be the name of a song). About the same amount as my period would be back when I got periods. Should we take a moment to revel in the irony that my infertility foe was that I didn’t bleed ENOUGH to get pregnant and now I can’t stop bleeding? Yes let’s take that moment……………fucking horseshit.
Natalie: Horseshit indeed! Now my understanding is that you also had some serious stitches as a result of some “pink part” tearing during birth. Perhaps you could enlighten us to the sensations you experienced from said stitches.
Oak: Well, it hurt like hell because she didn’t numb the area enough but I don’t think you’re referring to my actual stitching event so much as after? Let’s put it this way, my tears really didn’t ever end up being much of an issue at all. If I hadn’t been told I needed them, and know that I got them, I never would have given it another thought. But that’s because for the first week after giving birth, I couldn’t tell my asshole from my pink parts, it was just one sore, swollen mess.
I lived for my fresh ice packs which I would cover in Tucks Pads. Tucks and Ice was like heaven on Earth, the combo rivaled other such combos in life like: peanut butter and jelly, vodka and tonic, lube and butt sex…you get the point. There was also a eucalyptus salve that I used that gave me a cooling sensation which was pretty god damned amazing.
The thing I hadn’t really anticipated was post-partum potty parties. The first time I attempted to pee after giving birth, I did so with my head between my legs as I was about to pass out from my blood loss (but we won’t go there). My sweet nurse attempted to squirt water on my parts while I was attempting to not fall off the toilet. I’m sure it was fun to watch. Not so much fun to experience. Peeing after that was pretty uneventful – and is still uneventful albeit it frequent. Thank you urinary incontinence, and thank you pads. Do you need me to elaborate?
Natalie: I don’t think so, but we’ll let our audience decide. So peeing was, and still is, exciting. How about, you know, #2?
Oak: Number two has been the number two toughest thing I have ever had to push out of me. I had prenatal constipation and I have post-partum CONSTIPATION. I shit acorns when I shit at all…fitting no? But that’s today..which is a much better place than twelve weeks ago when I was navigating Hemorrhoid Haven, USA. Why doesn’t anyone ever talk about the hemorrhoids?! It’s a shame, really. I wish I’d known about those little buggers beforehand. Although my nurse said mine were nothing, she’d seen some assholes that looked like they were smuggling a bunch of grapes…so in the grand scheme of things, I’d say I lucked out.
In the not so grand scheme, my asshole wasn’t back in fighting shape until about 8 weeks and even now, my weekly, eh, bi-weekly poo can often take it back a few steps.
Have I officially crossed the line? I think maybe…
All that said, it really just felt like I said, a big, sore, swollen mess. And after about a week, it was totally fine – and by totally fine I mean loosey goosey but not painful. Intact but not tight. You know, we’ve covered that part already.
Natalie: I often wonder why ladies don’t talk more about post-partum hemorrhoids. I was fortunate enough to avoid them altogether, but I am pretty certain that had a lot to do with the fun that was my castor oil induction process. Which was not fun, not sure how it compares with hemorrhoids, but I digress. Reading your exquisite and Nobel Prize worthy blog, you mentioned your first time “back in the saddle” with “the boy” at around 7 or 8 weeks post-arrival of your prodigal son, would you describe that experience as “normal” compared to pre-offspring encounters?
Oak: First and ONLY time, I would like to make sure you all know. The first time back happened to be in a three day hiatus from the bleeding (seriously, what creature bleeds for this long and doesn’t DIE) and it was quite a nice time. That said, I’d heard horror stories so we used enough lube to create our own little slip and slide. Knocking the boots was a-ok.
Natalie: Well we are all glad to hear that your roll in the hay was lots of fun. Now, what are your future hopes for your “pink parts”?
Oak: Well, I’d like them to grow up to be healthy, strong and confident, have a long and happy life, maybe get a college education and marry a nice donger. Maybe someday even have pink parts of their very own. What the fuck kind of question is that?
Natalie: That was exactly the response I was hoping for. And with that I’d like to conclude this riveting interview with your “pink parts”. Thank you for joining me Oak and I am sure I can say that all my readers hope your lady bits stop bleeding soon and you can get to having lots of Brown Chicken Brown Cow with the boy. I hope everyone is now even more informed about possible expectations post-childbirth and may all your vajayjays be happy and healthy.