Grrr. I am sure someone somewhere can comiserate with me on this one...are you ever reminded of something that happened to you in the past, whether it be months or years, that you thought you had buried....well not so much buried as sealed in a uncrackable safe and dropped in the middle of the ocean....and it makes you so freakin' angry it is like it has just happened to you and the wounds are fresh?
Ugh I don't even want to get into the details. Let's just say that yesterday I was reminded of an extremely awful and painful time of my life, a time when someone I thought was a very close friend hurt me in a way that can't be forgiven. What's even better is this painful reminder happened just before I got in my car and sat in traffic for an hour. Any of you with a brain similar to me know that this means, no matter how hard you try, no matter how loud you pump the music and try to just relax and sing along, your brain is still turning and churning everything that happened around and around.
I blantantly remember telling myself several times 'okay you need to let it go, take deep breaths and just let it go. You are the only one who is still bothered by this'. I would take some deep breaths and try to focus on the music. Sure enough a few second later, old helpful brain would pull the thoughts right back up for me to chew on some more. I have spent way too much time on this issue and that is a ridiculous understatement.
I got home and Andy helped talk me back down. Reminding me, for the zillionth time, that I am only hurting myself, she is probably not bothered in the least by what happened. And it is probably true. I held my little nugget, looked into his eyes and realized that it is really time to let this all go. I thought I had, I thought I had let it go two years ago, but apparently the deepest wounds never really heal. So here I go again. I am shoving this shit back out of my brain, hopefully for the last time and I am going to hopefully never think about it again.