Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Eating my words

First off, I think it is hilarious how many responses I got to the poo post. That combined with the responses from the vajayjay posts and I now know that you ladies like to hear about gross stuff. This is just one of the many reasons I love you all. Don't worry lots of gross things will certainly be in our future together. It is good to know that many of you are shy pooers out there. It will be nice to know that I am not alone next time I am going to a different floor at work to poo, or trying to cover up a catastrophe at the in-laws. It is just reassuring to think that it could be happening to one of you too.....but probably not....but I am going to pretend it could.

Well no sooner had I written this post talking about my new found acceptance of my body, then old stupid negative brain snuck back in here and messed my shit up. I honestly don't know what happened. I was fine, I was happy, I was like 'hey out-of-shape-and-kind-of-flabby-body, you know what? you're okay'...and then like switching on a lightbulb it all changed. Maybe it had something to do with Jack turning 3 months. Maybe part of me thought that before that I had a good excuse to be out of shape. When people ask and you can say 'I have a two month old', maybe that seems like you're still under the umbrella of having a newborn. I mean two months? That means you just barely had him. But three months? That is like a quarter of a year. It must be that 3 months seems like adequate time to not be a lard ass anymore. Maybe it was our 8 year anniversary and I looked at that picture of us on our wedding day and there was a bit of longing in my heart to be that thin again.....even though I admit that was not a healthy weight for me...I still wanted to be that thin girl again. My brain = fucked up y'all.

I am not sure what happened exactly, but all of a sudden I felt like crap. I felt old and droopy and sad. I didn't feel attractive. I wondered if Andy was still really attracted to me or just feigning it to be nice. It was a cluster-fuck up in this here brain. Stupid brain. If anyone knows a way of detaching them temporarily let me know. So here I am writing a retraction of sorts. I feel guilty. I feel like I am letting you and myself down. Here I was, standing up on this soapbox saying 'hey ladies, come join me. Let's feel good about ourselves for a change!'. Then I was on my ass thinking 'yep, you're still the same old person you were a year ago: insecure, self-degrating, just like every other woman on the planet.' 

Oh well, I guess it was a nice break. But you know what? This isn't a post about wallowing in self-pity. This is a post about grabbing the bull by the horns, picking yourself up by the bootstraps, and similar analogies. Because in the end, that is what I do best....but not on my own.

Oak and I were skype-chatting on Wednesday and I told her how I was feeling like crap. The girl kicks-ass anyway, but she is definitely good for a pick me up. Here's an excerpt from our convo:

Natalie: OK. We could talk about how inexplicably shitty I have been feeling about myself lately? Too much of a downer?

Oak: Are you not giving your body a break anymore or is it more emotional?

Natalie: Yeah I think that break I was giving myself packed its shit and left. Well and it isn't even so much just my body. But my face/hair/etc. GoDDAMMIT! Why can't I just not give a fuck and relax?

I am breaking out like a teenager again.

Oak: Ugh. That sucks, zits totally suck. I recommend taking a shower (that might help)

Natalie: totally agree. I bet I would feel 100% better with a shower

Oak: And getting your hair cut by a professional (I know you hippies sometimes skip that)

 And getting a mini-make up consult at a make up counter

 And give yourself a break on your body.

 Ta da! better in no time!

 Although I get it, I lost a bunch of weight in my face, its skinner than its ever been and in turn I have all these new wrinkles I never had before. I feel like I look 40

 It sucks to look in the mirror and see this gaunt, pale, wrinkly face. I'm like "Who's that, my mom?"

Natalie: hahaha. Your solutions are endless.

 I totally think a haircut and maybe a mini-facial will make things 400million% better. It is time to chop off the long hippie locks that I do nothing with. I sometimes style it on the weekend, but it seriously takes like an hour to blow dry it all because it is so long. part of me is like 'cool! look how long it is'. the other part of me is like 'remember when you had short hair and you could style it in 10 minutes?'

Also I have the makeup. I should use it. I feel wrinklier too. It must be because we are tired and a wee bit ragged

Oak: I believe that no one should have hair that's longer than their mid chest...a shorter style will do wonders

make an appt right now
And long-story short that's what I did. I called a salon I have been to a few times and they had a late appointment at 8:15 that night.
Long Story: I have been feeling the need to do something for myself for a while. I knew it was way past time to cut my hair. The four or five times I have actually taken the time to do something with it, I love it. I love the length, but considering the rest of the time it is up in a ponytail or bun....it just wasn't doing anything for me. I didn't have the time or energy to fix it everyday.
Of course knowing you need a haircut and actually going to get one are two different things. I felt guilty. Guilty to schedule an appointment for myself because it would invariably require Andy to watch Jack while I am gone. And he already does more of that than I do. By the end of the summer he will have spent 15 weeks home with Jack and I only spent 8.
When he met me for lunch on Wednesday I told him I wanted to go get a haircut, but felt bad leaving him alone with Jack even more than I already do while I am at work. He told me to do it. He said it isn't like he hates being alone with his kid and would resent me for being gone for another hour and a half. That is what I needed to hear. I needed to be reminded that when I feel good about myself I radiate more love and affection outward. I am like a Care Bear when they do their "Care Bears, get ready to Care" and the light shoots out of their tummies.......don't even ask where that came from. 

So with Oak's push and Andy's consent, I called the salon and made an appointment. Now I am sure most of you have like a preferred stylist you go to and what not, but I never have. In fact, more than once I have gone to beauty schools because it is cheap as shit! I can hear you put-together ladies gasping in horror. When the feller on the phone asked me who I usually go to, I was like 'doesn't matter hook me up with whoever has the latest appointent'.....my thinking there is two fold. As you might have gathered from the conversation with Oak, I hadn't had a shower since Sunday night. You say ewww now, but if you've got/had a new baby your response would be 'wow that sounds pretty regular to me'. I try to make a point to shower at least every other day on a bad week, but sometimes life has other plans. Anyhoo. I know it seems silly to shower before you go have someone shampoo and cut your hair, but I figure: late appointment, if I am already showered I can just crawl in bed and then voila! -  minimal styling required in the morning. Which is how that all played out. And of course the second reason for such a late appointment was to shove as much milk into my still-after-a-week-and-a-half-not-bottle-feeding baby (although the most current development is that he is starting to take about 4 ounces a day.....which is better than two and way better than none. My hope is by the end of this week he will be back in the saddle. Fingers crossed).

The only issue with making the last appointment available is the stylist wants to be at home. You are keeping them there at this point. So apparently this translates as the fastest haircut of my life and the most painful roundbrush/hair dry I have ever experienced. Hey but the upside is that I no longer have skin to develop any flakes, so there's that. Of course there are other pluses, I was home in less than an hour. Jack was still taking the nap I laid him down for when I left. Score! And as predicted I felt 400Million% better about myself instantly. So moral of the story ladies, don't be a weiner like me and put off doing something nice for yourself. There is a way to make it work. Whether it be letting the neighbor watch your kid for an hour or having the hubby squeeze in an extra hour during his shift. Don't neglect yourself.

As for the body issues....well they are still back there in my noggin'. Although with the new hair, it is at minimum distracting me from it a little more. I am now forcing myself to give my body a break, as opposed to the break I was effortlessly giving myself a couple of weeks ago. C'est la vie I suppose. BUT I did get weighed on Saturday morning for my Life Insurance physical....another story...and I was down to 197. Score! That is 8ish lbs in like two weeks. Go breastfeeding! And probably the haircut helped also...well and um trying to watch what you eat too......*gulp*...well...um....as for that ice cream cake I have been eating?....yeah I am counting that as necessary Calcium for maintaining bone density. Sall.y Fi.eld takes Bon.iva. I take slices of D.airy Qu.een cake. Well that one might be keeping me from losing more before my "official" weigh in next month sometime. But whatevs. Life is short and ice cream cake doesn't stay good forever. I think you get the justification.

My next "me" thing is to use one of the two massage gift certificates I have. One of those certificates I received for my birthday.....in 2009. Ooops. But the massage place assured me....last christmas when I was getting a gift certificate for my SMIL....that they never expire. But I still need to use it. Maybe next Friday.

The other thing I really want to make work, assuming I can prevent the guilt from overtaking me, is to get back to derby. Practice is Sunday evenings from 6-9pm.....and that is prime Mom-Nugget time. But I miss skating. It was such a blast and I was really getting into it, despite mostly starting it as a distraction from the fact that I couldn't get pregnant. I have thought about just going to the skating rink to warm back up, but the only "adult" skate I found is from 10pm-midnight on Saturday.....um does anyone make it until midnight with a 3 month old? I am lucky to stay awake past 9:30p most nights. But my goal is to find a way to make it happen....I'll get back to you on this one.

Now get out there and make yourself feel good about...yourself? Damn that sentence is ridunkulously silly.

Oh and before you ask, which I know you will, pictures of the new do will be posted as soon as I can find my freakin' camera downloady cord.....I have no idea where it went.


  1. I was just going to ask where the pictures were of the new haircut! Can't wait to see it! And ease up on yourself - 3 months isn't that long. We're still just trying to get our heads on straight! I'm still WAY out of shape and need to lose some weight, but I'm doing it the slow way. Penelope and I go for walks almost every day and I'm doing weight watchers. 11 pounds down so far and about 30 to go...but I'm not pushing myself with a desired time table for when I want to achieve all this, I figure I'll just go at the pace my body wants and stop beating myself up about it!

  2. So glad you got the haircut - while it doesn't always do the best for your self-esteem DURING the haircut (I mean, who looks good with wet hair??? NOT ME!) I always feel better after. Good on you for taking some time for yourself!

  3. This reminds me that I desperately need a haircut too - and although I do not have a 3 month old to worry about, I do need to figure out how to come up with the moola to pay the hairdresser.

    I love that you somehow managed to fit in a Care Bear Stare, lol

  4. Don't be hard on yourself about your body - it's only been three months. And when you're sleep deprived, your body tends to hoard calories (they don't tell you that in all the new-mom mags!). And you said you've lost 8 pounds in 2 weeks - that's awesome! Hang in there, you're on your way and you will get there! :) It takes about 9 months to lose all the weight you gained during pregnancy, so in reality, you've only just begun to lose weight. :)

  5. Care Bears = Love. That's why my picture included them this week. :)

    Can't wait to see the new hair!! When I'm feeling down about my body, a new haircut and eating healthy makes me feel about a million times better in just a few days. Give your body time to come back - you squeezed a fucking watermelon out of your vagina 3 months ago, c'mon!

    PS - why don't we ever skype?!

  6. I got my hair cut tonight too and feel so much better! I don't know what it is about getting dead ends cut off that make you feel like a new person. You totally deserve to do these things for yourself so get to scheduling that massage and don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure you look as beautiful as ever, especially with that sweet baby asleep on your chest.

  7. I laughed at Kelly's comment because that's SO TRUE. I think I look AWFUL while I'm getting my hair cut. There's something about those fluorescent lights, wet hair, and the cloth cover up that makes you look like you have no neck. Awful. But so worth it in the end. Great advice Oak!

    But seriously, it's amazing how these little things really add up and make us feel better eh? Good for you, you deserved it :)

  8. You're welcome. And how come whenever I'm "talking" in your blog its in purple? I am not a big fan of purple. Actually, let's be candid, I fucking HATE purple. You could give me puce and I'd be happier.

  9. Thanks for stopping by my blog and referring me to your post about nursing bras/tanks. I've been naughty this month for ICLW and am just now getting around to visiting more blogs. I've been reading through a lot of your posts and cracking up!!

    Hope your make-over has you feeling much better.

  10. So.... my whole life I've heard comments to the effect of "yeah, like you have anything to worry about, you're so skinny!" Well guess what, "skinny" girls have issues too! I managed to lose all of my baby weight except for the last 8 pounds in the first 11 days after delivering Cadence. Most of that was probably stress related... but still. I was thinking that for sure by the time she was 3 months old I'd be back to my pre-baby weight, but as it turns out, Cadence is now 10 1/2 months old and I am now 12 pounds above my pre-baby weight. And it turns out that people saying "wow you have a 10 month old baby? You look great!" doesn't help me feel any better at all about the fact that I need to lose 12 pounds and have a gross flabby belly. But Cadence is totally worth a destroyed body image, and deliciously unhealthy food is worth a lot of happiness too... so I say whatevs to all of it! You're beautiful and you have a beautiful baby boy to show for your weight gaining efforts, wear it proudly! =) Also, I had to order a bridesmaid dress for my best friends wedding. Funny thing is I already have the exact same dress in a different color for someone else's dress, but I had to order a size bigger this time... because I'm "post partum" and all... haha. So now I have to make sure I don't lose the 12 pounds before her November wedding or else I'll have to pay for alterations that I don't want to pay for! How ironic. Here's to not losing weight!