There are things we all expect to happen during pregnancy. You expect your belly will grow, your boobs will change, etc. But there are some things you aren't looking out for....or at least there were things I wasn't looking out for. Maybe the rest of you were on top of it. I am a moley person. It is because I am white. And I don't mean like I am just a caucasian, like I am freakin' white. Pastey, pale, you get the point. I prefer to say that I am alabaster, it just sounds so fancy. I don't tan. During the summer when people laugh about my white legs I get defensive and say: 'listen, I come in two colors, white and red'. I wish I could tan. I envy my cousins who seem to have stolen all our cajun blood because they have the most beautiful perfect skin...bitches. They inherited it from grandpa gumbo. I got my grandma's complexion, white with freckles and moles.
Anyway, I try to keep pretty good track of my visible moles. It gets to be hard when you have so many. A few years ago my doctor sent me to a dermatologist to get a baseline analysis for future comparison. And this turned out to be a little humiliating, here's why. I didn't realize when they do a baseline that they look everywhere. It isn't just about your face and arms and legs. You basically get butt ass nekid and they get up close and personal with your moles.....and I have a few moles in some unmentionable areas.
There is one mole that my regular doctor was particularly concerned about tracking and it is right in my pubic area. It didn't occur to me to want a female dermatologist until I was laying back on the table with a dude taking a super close look at my lady parts. I have never been to a male gyno. And for some reason the idea of that doesn't bother me. He would be trained specifically to deal with your lady parts. And in my experience gyno's get in and out pretty quick and keep a good couple feet between you and their face. But dermatologists get close and personal and they aren't supposed to be that close to your vajayjay. In fact, they don't even need to know you have a vajayjay. Anyway, as I was laying on the table I was working really hard not to be completely humiliated as I could basically feel the heat from the dude's headlamp on my lady parts. After what seemed like a bazillion hours he emerged to say it looked okay for now, but we should watch it. Now technically I was supposed to go back every year to have it checked. Did I do that? No. Should I know better? Yes.
As I was getting out of the shower last night and drying off I noticed a raised area near the mole. Since I admitted to you a few weeks ago that I can no longer see my lady parts, I spent a good deal of time trying to will my head into a position that would get a view of it. If I had a hand mirror or a full-length mirror like a normal girl I probably could have compensated, but as you might deduce I fail at girlie things like that. So I resigned to the fact that Andy would need to look for me. My fingers were crossed that it was an ingrown hair and not the mole.
Let me just say, considering I came home with extreme amounts of gas and swolen feet, the fact that I added "check this growth out for me" to the list of activities for the evening just really put the cherry on the Valentine's sundae. I was thinking about it this morning and I've decided it will be a miracle if Andy ever feels like having sex again. Anyway, Andy confirmed that the growth was in fact the mole I had suspected and he described that it looked like it had a dark ring around it. HOLY SHIT! I know from the dermatologist's posters that this means badness. But here I am 3-5 weeks away from what we will dub Vajayjay Destruction 2011 and now I might have to add "burn a freakin' mole off of her while yer at it" to the list of torture. This poor girl is going to need a Range Rover before she'll ever speak to me again.
I decided the best course of action was to call the midwife. As I suspected she said she would like to take a look at it at our appointment this Friday and if she thinks it can wait it will probably be in my best interest not to go in right now. She said if they do remove it now labor will most likely compromise the healing of it and if I need any sort of treatment I wouldn't be able to do that while I was pregnant anyway. But she did say that it is really common for things to grow during pregnancy. You'll get skin tags and moles will get bigger, etc. I guess I am glad I didn't figure it out until now because I probably only have a month to worry about it instead of several, but now there is still a part of me that is wondering if I am going to follow up this awesome amazingly wonderful pregnancy with a bout of skin cancer. I have zero experience with skin cancer. Do they just take that shit off and you're good?