Monday, October 25, 2010

Nobody Poops but You and it's a Mortal Sin

This post is going to have something to do with poo in case you hadn't figured that out. The title is kind of a rip off from this comedian we were watching....a while ago I internal timeline is all wonky. He was talking about potty training his toddler and how they went to a book store to get a book. The clerk hands them "Everybody Poops" and he tells them "Umm we're Catholic" so the clerk says "Oh then you need 'Nobody Poops but you, God is watching, and it's a Mortal Sin'". Obviously that stuck in my head. Hopefully I am not the first person to tell you that everybody poops. If you previously thought you were the only one, hopefully it is comforting to know that we're here with you.  
Mkay, so here's the deal. I think one of the most terrifying things about pregnancy is the possibility of getting hemroids. I don't really know what hemroids look like, and no, I am not going to google it, I have an idea of what they are and they just scare the crap out of me. All I know is that you have to sit on a donut looking thing, they can be painful, and I would have to get through a check-out with some sort of ointment that would not be disguisable as something else. Anyhoodles, I realize with all the things that will probably happen to me over the next year, hemroids would be a tiny blip on the radar. I don't know why I am so afraid of them, I just am.
So I have been trying to keep the pipes well oiled. Um did I mess that analogy up completely? Are there any pipes that you oil? Whatever people, just come along on my crazy train. I guess the surest way to avoid the hemroids is to never get to a point of extreme straining. You know what I am sayin'.
Well I am not sure what the consensus of pregnant/once pregnant people is, but I am kind of surprised how unpredictable that is. I mean you figure if you eat fruits and veggies and you exercise and drink water then things should stay pretty consistent from day to day. That doesn't seem to be the case for me. One day, things will be running fine, and two days later, well I won't go too much into it, let's just say I think there are muscles in my neck that are a little sore. Then things will get back to normal. What the crap intestines?....I guess that pun works here.
I realize as Nugget grows stuff gets more squished, but apparently I need to overcompensate every once in a while. I thought I would never see the light of day again, as I was sitting there practically crying for some sort of help. All I could think about was if that rumor about Elvis dying while pooping was true. Was Andy going to come down and find me dead?
It takes me back to when I was about to start writing my thesis. Bear with me people, this will probably make sense. I was talking to the universe and I told it that if I was supposed to die, it better happen before I got started or it had to wait until I was done. There was something about dying in the middle of the process, after I had done so much work, but never gotten to the payoff, that was just too unfair. That is how I felt the other night. I couldn't die now. I am right in the middle of making Nugget. If the universe was going to end my life, it should have done it before I got pregnant because now it has to wait until Nugget is done baking. I have to get to the payoff. Obviously I don't want to die after Nugget is born, but you get the point....maybe.
Anyhoodles. I am now going to be extra dilligent to ensure that I never have to spend another second crying and praying I don't end up like Elvis.


  1. OMG too funny! And I'm right there with ya (well not with you in a literal sense...but in a crying on the pot sense). I used to be pretty regular but now that there is a bean in me I can go days without going and then it's the most awful experience when it does happen! I think it's just another one of those things that people don't tell you about before you get pregnant. Like acne, sweating, and excessive tooting (or is that just me?! I certainly don't want roids either...nor do I want to poop on the table when I'm pushing the bean out. That scares the crap out of me (well...hopefully not, that's what I'm getting at). Happy potty times!

  2. I made The Boy buy my Tucks (which I thought I needed but turned out to be a false alarm) so I highly recommend check out line decoys.

    Also, I almost started crying on the toilet on Saturday. Seriously. And then the toilet clogged. Yeah.

    Right. There. With. You...unfortunately.

  3. O.M.G. I've heard so much about the Big H during pregnancy, its going on the list of the things I dread about pregnancy. But I'm on some new meds that cause the same thing...neck muscles! lolol

  4. Oh how I love you!

    Want to know my biggest fear of pregnancy?!? Puking during labor! I am TERRIFIED of that happening! Seriously grosses me out!