You know those F-ing adorable pregnant women who basically look like 100 lb models with a perfectly round belly glued on the front? Yeah that is not going to be me. I wish that is what I looked like. I wish I could take naked pictures when I am 8 months pregnant and that they would be sexy and beautiful. But unless my body somehow improves with pregnancy....hahaha.... that isn't going to happen. It's okay. I have totally accepted it.
My naked body has never been something that other girls would envy. Due to the insane growth spurt I went through as a wee little lasse, I already have a shit ton of stretch marks. Of course when you think about it, it kind of makes whatever happens during pregnancy A-okay. I mean we're not talking about ruining some masterpiece. Despite that, I haven't been in stellar shape since I went off to grad school. Not only did it put me in ridiculous amounts of debt, but it stole my figure. Okay.....I guess I had something to do with that. When we moved back to Colorado, one of the healthiest states in the country (thanks mostly to Boulder if you ask me) I was determined to get some semblance of my old self back. Just having a less hectic life helped a ton. I dropped somewheres around 20 pounds. Maybe more. Have I mentioned I hate scales and refuse to get near them if at all possible? I went down about two pants sizes. Fine we'll get real. I was down to a 12.
When I first got married I was wearing 8s. What a skinny whore. To be fair, I looked like an anorexic freak when I look back at pictures of myself. I can remember way back then and I know the BMI (which is full o' shit, in my opinion) said a healthy weight for me was between 135 and 175. How sick is it that I still remember that shit? The lowest I ever got was 138....and if you are curious, it wasn't achieved in a healthy way. I looked like a bag o' bones. It was ridunkulous. The most ridunkulous part of it was that I still felt fat. I think that is what happens to chicks when we try to drop a shit ton of weight in an unhealthy way. Our brains never register that we look better. So then we go all crazy and get even more agressive with the weight loss and pretty soon your mom is threatening to have you locked up if you don't stop losing weight. True story by the way.
Anyhoodles. If I had gotten pregnant when we first got married, I wonder what I would be like? Would I be scared shitless of gaining a pound? Would my baby suffer because of it? I'll admit that I am a wee bit scared that in April I will look like a beached whale.
I was sitting on the train yesterday across from a mom with her two kids. Not to be mean or anything, but she was a large lady and I would say her youngest was probably 6. It is difficult for me to look at someone like that and not wonder if she was once a 140lb bombshell. While realizing what my mean judgemental brain was doing, I realized the issue is that I have some fears. Sure my body is no gem, but will I be able to get it back? I am sure it will be forever altered in unimaginable ways, but will I be able to get back in my wardrobe and look descent?
I want to be a fit mom. I want my kids to not be embarrassed to be in public with me. I don't want to wear pants with elastic waists. These are real tangible fears and I am trying my darndest to not let them muddy up my beautiful pregnancy experience. But when I was sitting there across from this wonderful mother, who was laughing and talking with her kids, I couldn't help but wonder if these fears are affecting me more than I'd like to admit.
My midwife gave me an assignment to turn in at our last appointment. I was to track everything I ate for a week. The form she gave me had little boxes to check off for the things you need several servings of every day: milk, protein, vegetables, fruit, etc. Up until I started this form, I thought I was doing really well with my eating. I was making sure I drank at least one giant cup of milk each day and have yogurts, cottage cheese, cheeses, etc. to get the proper amount of calcium. I have never been a huge meat eater, but I thought I was getting plenty of proteins. On week 15 I started filling out the form. My midwife recommended that I eat lots of healthy snacks and that I should be eating once every two hours or so. As I started filling out the form I realized that I suck at the snacks part. I would rarely get in a snack before breakfast, my between breakfast and lunch snack was usually an apple or some almonds, and I would mostly miss the snack between lunch and dinner as well. And then I realized my meals weren't very substantial. Yogurt with granola for breakfast or a bowl of raisin bran, a salad for lunch, and a little bit of chicken and some veggies for dinner. When I was eating I was noticing myself slow down and not being able to finish even my small bowl of yogurt. But I was eating when I was hungry and I would stop when I felt full. I thought I was doing exactly what I needed to be doing. But I found it hard to check off all the boxes each day.
At the meeting with our midwife she said that the things I was eating were good, but then she said 'from looking at your chart though, it doesn't look like you are very hungry...do you feel hungry?'. I thought if I wasn't feeling hungry that I was probably getting enough nutrients for the baby. But could I be wrong? Should I be wanting to eat more? Should I be looking towards my next snack every hour or so? Because I am not. So now I am worried. I know big surprise a pregnant woman is worried about something. When I weighed in, I gained 3 lbs from our visit a month ago. She said that was good. Obviously weight is being put on. I am expanding and Nugget is getting bigger. He/she was kicking all over in there and the heartbeat was strong. Should I just stop worrying? Should I be grateful that I am not waking up in the middle of the night starving? Because in all honesty, getting up just to go pee is really a chore, I am not sure if I can feel happy about having to get up and be conscious enough to eat something.
So tell me ladies with experience or insane knowledge about this stuff, what is/was your experience with being hungry? What do you think is "normal"? Please help my sad crazy pregnant brain.