Ass Bandit

I need to report a robbery. Someone has come in a stolen my ass and replaced it with an unrecognizable stand-in. I don't want to go into too much detail, but I don't recognize anything that has been happening in the lower regions of my body. Yesterday it was so shocking Andy pulled out his copy of "What your Poo is Telling You", a book his sister gave him as a joke for his birthday. Who knew we would ever actually use it. Use it is a very loose term because we quickly determined that despite being quite hilarious, it was pretty much useless. I guess it is technically not my digestional tracts fault, I have been eating some new food items with the intent to get this baby development going. Apparently cottage cheese is some sort of pregnancy super-food. I have never been a big fan of the stuff, but figure I should give it a shot, since it not only counts the same as like 3 cups of milk, but has crazy protein and other good shit too. Andy sat there and told me that I didn't love my baby if I won't eat cottage cheese. He can be such an a-hole, but somehow his tactics seem to work on me. So I made myself a bowl of cottage cheese and put some frozen fruit in it to help with the strange taste. Okay technically it doesn't taste any different to me than string cheese, there is just something about the fact that it is watery and chunky and not stringy and stiff that makes me want to gag. Adding fruit helped a lot. When I sat down to start eating it Andy then said 'If you really loved your baby you would eat it plain'. He is lucky I am still in my laugh at the sarcastic joke phase and not my tear his eyes out and eat his tongue for dinner phase. Is that one of the pregnancy phases? I feel like I should be in charge of the update for "What to Expect When You're Expecting". I would rename it "The Crazy Shit That Will Happen To You". Of course technically I don't know all the crazy shit that is about to happen to me. Anyway cottage cheese aside, there is definitely funky things happening down under that no one really warned me about. I guess the same is true for my upper regions, for that matter. My brain is semi-unrecognizable now, I say the most random shit. What the hell? I used to have it together and all of a sudden I am straight out of the dumb blonde jokes. I am trying to institute an extra-strong filter on my mouth. I have been thinking of my response and then trying to make sure nothing dumb slips through. But of course it still does. The changes in my boobs are kind of a mixed bag. On the one hand I have filled out my D cups and the increase in boob size seems to make my waist seem a little smaller. Score. On the downside, they are still pretty sore and the magnetic pull between objects and them seems to have doubled. I even find Andy accidentally running into them more. The other day he actually tapped me on the boob to get my attention, then he is all surprised and says "oooo I'm sorry". WTH? Who taps someone's boobs to get their attention? He's never done that before. They must have a sign on them that I can't see.