Thursday, June 17, 2010

Run Big Butter Run!: The Story of a Crazy Girl

I am not one for "I told ya so" but this week I could have said it to Big Butter. Here's the deal, he is a super sweetie and I know he's lonesome. He may act like he loves livin' the bachelor lifestyle, but I know somedays he wishes there was someone to snuggle with....granted he's a boy, so perhaps he has more than snuggling in mind, but I choose to believe that he upholds Victorian standards of gentlemanliness. Anyway, the reason I know these things about him is because he often goes after the wrong girls. Case-in-point, crazy girl numero uno (She is only numero uno because she's the first one I've written about. I don't want to maintain files on these ladies or anything). My brother was super reluctant to join the crazy fad that is Facebook and I didn't suggest he join, considering I was ready to give it up myself. But he decided to open an account a few months ago and we became "friends", then it seemed like two days later he closed it. I hadn't realized he was gone until one day when we wuz chillin' I asked him how things were going, he said too many people from high school were coming out of the woodwork so he had to skeedaddle. Now the butters was a popular dude. He's three years older than me, so I had to deal with the aftermath that was generations of highschool girls swooning and telling me how hot my brother is ewwww! and of course this included all of my friends. What an a-hole right? Why couldn't he be ugly for my sake?
So I asked him for some examples of woodwork comer outters and he said this one chic had suddenly friended him and professed her undying love for him (even though they only dated for a week....11 years ago). Anyway he said that they've been chatting and that she wanted to come visit him, but she is living with an ex-boyfriend (who we also know, of course, small towns) they have been together for the past 9 years, so he's a little reluctant. Um yeah I'll say. My response was literally "WARNING WARNING, that is a terrible idea, stay away from her dude". Well did he heed my magnificent superpower of knowing better than him, nope.
She started coming down every weekend and staying with him (I choose to believe she slept in the closet). A few weeks later we met up for a movie and she kept texting him. He brought up the fact that she was weird (i.e. crazy) because they would talk on the phone and later she would text him "hi". Then if he didn't respond right away she would text "are you mad at me?". Yeah, crazy like I said. So it was starting to bug him. And by this point he had found out that she was only still living with the ex because his parent's were paying for all the bills (of course) and she wasn't in the position to move out on her own (because that would involve being a grown-up and not leeching off of someone else). Butter was worried that she was lying to him (wouldn't be surprised) about being broken up with said sugar daddy and that he didn't know she was "dating" someone else. Pretty likely. I told him to cut the chord (figuratively of course because who uses those anymore?) That she was just looking for someone else to jump to that would take care of her and that he should run like hell because she was bad news bears. I also pointed out that because we know her sugar daddy things could really get bad if he found out. Butter would be responsible for unnecessarily hurting this dude if he doesn't know what is going on. From what I remember of sugar daddy, he's not a bad guy, so mostly I just felt like he didn't need to be hurt or embarrassed by this situation and that Butter should be far away if/when he does find out. Butter agreed with me.
A week or so later when we hung out, he was telling me that CGNU was starting to get aggressive. He had told her he didn't want to see each other anymore and she basically said 'I am coming down this weekend'. Yikes! Well as if things couldn't get weirder, they did. Yesterday I get an e-mail on FB and it's from her. Sure enough she sent me a friend request as well. The message says something along the lines of:
Hi, I know we don't know each other directly, but I am sure you know that I have been dating your brother. I have been trying to get a hold of him for the past few days and haven't been able to. I just wanted to make sure everything is okay. Thanks, Crazy Girl Numero Uno.

While I am reading it the twilight zone music is going off in my head. Great! Now she is stalking in a round about way. Really? Does this mean I have to go and warn all of our relatives not to accept her as a friend because she is a crazy person? Perfect! Anyway, sometimes Butter can be a little forgetful, so I figured I better check with him first to make sure he just hasn't gotten the chance to get back to her. Here's that correspondence:

CGNU just e-mailed me on FB. She said she has been trying to get a hold of you. Are you trying to break connection with her? She also friend requested me. Do you think she wants to murder us and deposit our bodies in the desert? Lemme know and I will respond accordingly.

Butter: ahhhHH, FB stalker strikes the family! sooo running from that shit screaming, I suspect she's the type of person who lies to get whatever she wants-not grownup material.
At this point I could have said the "I told ya so", but he had already admitted weeks ago that I had been right about her from the beginning. So no need to rub salt in that wound. Well this is when I learned about the wonderfulness that is the ability to block people on FB. I ignored her friend request and put her on the list of blocked users from my account. I decided not to respond to her e-mail either. I thought about telling her that he is fine, but figured that would lead to more inquiries and just fuel her fire. Part of me worries that she will go through one of our mutual friends to try to get me to delve on some information. I thought about e-mailing said mutual friends, but I just figure it is better to take evasive action at this point and save the offensive tactics for later. I told Big Butter if he needs to hide out at our house on the weekends he is more than welcome (secretly I am just hoping to con him into helping with the landscaping....I am evil like that). I think it is too premature to start e-mailing our entire family to tell them if she tries to contact them not to worry that something happened to Butter. But I don't want to embarrass him at family functions so there's no need to do that yet....I think.
Images keep running through my head of her coming down late and night and breaking into Butter's apartment. Maybe it is time we lent him a gun? Anyway seems I can spot the crazies from a mile away. I hope this isn't one of those 'takes one to know one' kind of situations.


  1. Oh man, brothers' crazy girlfriend stories - I can totally relate. My brother has only had one or two girlfriends, and let's just say he doesn't go for the nice girls. Hope your butter manages to lose this one fast!

  2. Yikers - that's no fun!

    I just used the FB block function this past winter for the first time - and it felt GOOOOOD! :-)

  3. Is it wrong that I am not sickly excited that there are stalkers in this world who are WAY more over the top than I am?!?

    And seriously - if I dated your brother I would totally e-mail you with regular updates. Just so you know. In fact, I would probably be dating your brother just to get closer to you! :p

  4. HAhaha S.I.F. that is hilarious!