Last night Andy and I were talking and he said our friend Stotts wants to put the picture of my ultrasound up on his facebook. I should explain, this picture:
Photoshopped for me by Big Butter (pure awesome). Andy obviously loved it and sent it to Stotts. But I told him not to tag me in it otherwise all of my friends could see it. He was surprised I hadn't shared the news on FB. And I didn't have a good answer for him. I told him I hate it when people post shit like 'I am so in love with my husband' or 'I just had a bagel'. It just seems like trivial shit that no one really needs to hear about and they just post them to get attention. I kind of feel like saying I am pregnant is the same thing. Like 'ooo look at me'. And I think therein lies my problem. This whole time the thing that has made it harder to tell people than anything else is to call attention to myself, that coupled with the fear that tomorrow I will wake up and realize I am in fact not pregnant and this was just something I made up in my sick head. So fear of losing the baby and fear of attention is what is making me, apparently, abnormal when it comes to wanting to share my news. I think I would probably be perfectly content just showing up next year with pictures of a baby on my page. A friend of mine did that. At first I was like 'WTF, why didn't she tell anyone?', but now that I am in this spot, I was starting to think how appealing the idea of just showing up with a baby really is. I know I am silly. So after talking with Andy last night and after reading Ina May's discussion of fear causing problems during labor (I know, left field there), I started thinking I need to overcome my fears. I need to approach this thing fear-free. No more worrying about my ability to hold this baby in there, no more fear of calling attention to myself. Therefore this morning, I uploaded the image into a photo album labeled "nugget" and titled it "Future Zombie Hunter". And I left it at that. People will figure it out from there. Oh and first I went through my list of friends and unfriended someone who shouldn't have been there in the first place. That is a long dramatic story, but basically our friendship fell apart almost two years ago and for some reason neither of us has unfriended the other. But I knew she wouldn't be supportive of my pregnancy and frankly I didn't want to share it with her. So I unfriended her and posted the picture. So I am officially out of the closet and I am going to make a real effort to share with people, even strangers if an opportunity arises. I don't have to just walk up to people and say 'hey guess what? I am pregnant. Do you want to hear all about it?', but I should at least try to get more comfortable if an opportunity casually presents itself. When I think more about it, I just don't really understand myself sometimes.