Thursday, June 24, 2010

Jumping Out of my Skin and My Acupuncture Guilt

Okay so I was going to write a super lame blog in an attempt to distract you and myself from the real thoughts and happenings going on right now. But then I was like 'oh just write about it!'. Mostly I was worried I would bore you all to death and you would never come back. There are definitely greener blog pastures to be had out there. So let me just get to the point, right now I am technically in the dreaded two week wait. And let me tell you it is agonizing! This is the stupidist two weeks ever conceived (hahaha look a pun!). The reason I have made it this long (which is day 7 post-ovulation according to that bitch of a website Fertility Friend, but I'll get to that part of the story in a second) is only because I absolutely hated the idea of telling you all only to get a negative test in a couple of days. I thought that would be so much worse than just keeping my mouth shut. But when I started reading the post I had started I just couldn't put that sorry dribble up here. Besides what would the fertility rollercoaster be if I didn't tell you about all the up and downs....boring that is what it would be. So here's the up (and hopefully it stays up...and gets even higher), but if in a couple of days there's a down I guess you'll have seen it coming.
I started entering my temp data on Fertility Friend several weeks ago, but since my ovarian cycle has been about 45 days for the past two cycles there really wasn't much to tell you up until now. Obviously I am still going au naturale, although those keeping track, it is about to be July. July was the arbitrary date I set for when I would rethink getting on Clomid. But that isn't all that pertinent yet. So according to Fertility Friend (which I am going to rename Fertility Sadist) last Monday I ovulated. I am sure you get how excited that made me, especially considering when looking at those litte heart-shaped markers that show the days we got it on, things were looking especially good for this cycle (BTW I totally wish you could pick your own icon for Business Time, I am not too sure what I would pick, but there is something that just seems wrong about the hearts....maybe it could just say 'goal!' on those days). Rock on! Right? Well kind of. So I was all excited to be heading into my two-week wait but then Sunday I updated my temps and M-er F-er! Fertility Sadist moved my ovulation date. Now let me put you at ease first, things were still looking positive as far as catching that little egg sucker, i.e. attacking it with sperm. But the downside was that it moved my ovulation day forward three days. WTF? So as I sit here, I should be at day 10 post-ovulation and just four short days away from an answer, but no, I am now 7 long, unbearable, days away from the end of my two week wait. So that is why I am pissed at Fertility Friend...they got me all excited and then they made my two week wait three days longer. What a whore! It is getting to the point where I have already scowered the earth for any chance at finding out early. I would quite literally opt to install a microscope and camera in my uterus if it would allow me to take a look and see if anything was going on in there. The first few days of waiting were fine, I just tried to relax and think happy uterus thoughts. I sent my uterus little love notes saying what a beautiful place it was and how even though I think it is highly over-qualified for the job, it will be such a wonderful and nurturing place for the egg. Ya know, buttering her up, hoping she would use her influence to move things along in there. But when the date moved I looked at my calendar with disgust and resentment. It is amazing what three more days will do to you when you're waiting for this kind of news. I keep telling myself in the grand scheme of things two weeks is nothing. Yes when you think about 9 months of pregnancy, followed by the 18 years of trying to give the kid enough sense so that you can kick them out of the house and book a vacation by yourself again, two weeks really is nothing. But for some reason it is still a pain in the ass. You have to figure it took me 55 days to get to this spot and technically I have spent 15 months getting to the point where my cycle was less than 70 days. So even though it is only seven more itsy bitsy days, I have waited almost a year and change to get here. Then say I pee on the stick and it is a big ole no, that's another two months before I can be in this spot again. It makes me more than a little envious of those with 14 day ovarian phase. Bitches! Sorry that was uncalled for. 
In other news, on Friday I had my last acupuncture appointment. "My Last" as in the last one in the package I paid for. Since I was going out of town tomorrow I told my lady that I wouldn't be able to have one this week. Her response was 'okay so I will see you on the 2nd?' and me, being the non-communicator that I am, just said 'yeah'. Why didn't I just speak up? Why couldn't I just say 'well maybe not, I am not sure yet'. I thought about it on my way home and I actually felt guilty and didn't want to tell her that if I did actually get preggo that I might not be back for a while. I could quite literally point and laugh at myself sometimes (if it didn't make me look crazy). Let's look at this situation. I felt guilty for telling my acupuncturist that I might not be back in two weeks because I might be pregnant by then. That is the entire reason that I started going to acupuncture, she specializes in fertility. So I was too guilty to tell her she might have done the job I hired her to do? Does anyone else see how ridiculous I am? It's okay, you can point and laugh, it's warranted
Don't get me wrong, if I could afford it, I would continue doing weekly acupuncture appointments throughout my pregnancy. She was telling me that she will be able to help alieviate some of the ailments. But the problem is definitely the money. She is actually ridiculously affordable when you purchase the 10-visit package, but the problem is I am going to need to start saving that money for other things. There is obviously many many expenses that are sure to come up once I get preggo, not the least of which is my desire to save 6 weeks worth of pay so that I can take the full 12 weeks of bonding time. Plus she doesn't take insurance yet, not that I am even sure that my insurance company would cover it, but that makes it all out of pocket for me. You can see the dilemma there. And now you can also see how wonderful the past 10 days have been like in my head. I quite literally can't turn my brain off.
I have been trying to relax and meditate each night and clear my mind, but it would be so much better if there was just a switch in my head or something, like a 'thought interrupter' button. I don't even want to go into all the stuff that has been going through my head because I try to let out as little 'crazy' as I can, sorry some still gets out. The good news is, I know I am not the only one thinking about this stuff. Andy asks me nightly 'so are you pregnant yet or what?'. The statement always has an edge of impatience to it. So I know I am not the only one in this boat. I think he is mostly excited because I followed up telling him that I ovulated with 'just think, if this is it, we can go back to having sex when you want to'. Which made us both bust up.


  1. I (un)luckily get bad cramps about 1 week into the 2WW. So the last three months, I have technically only had to wait 1 week b/c as soon as those cramps show up, I know it's a BFN. Pay close attention to your body - maybe there are signs that will tell you either way before the full 2WW. But...that doesn't really make the time go by faster - I know how slow that time can pass. I'm hoping this is your month!!

  2. Oh I have all my fingers and toes crossed for you lady! I would love to find out you were pregnant right before I headed off for Seattle! Is that completely selfish?!? :)

  3. Yikes - bummer! FF did that to me last month too (moved it ahead 2 days) and that was CRAZY FRUSTRATING. Hopefully the 2ww will be worth it though!!!